humiliation; it's hard to admit that we are just human and harder to admit we screwed up. I screwed up big time and there's no excuse so I won't make any. Even though there are reasons for the choices I made, I can't change what's passed, so I won't bother discussing the reasons.
Regret is a mighty bitter pill; sugar doesn't actually help it go down. Take that, Mary Poppins. Seems to me the old adage that one 'ah shit' wipes out all the 'atta girls' you got is true.
I'd like to think people who matter don't care, and people who care don't matter. Much too simple. Even people who care can be angry and can care a lot about your screw ups. Another case of human nature.
Wouldn't care about it if it didn't affect others, but it does. If you need help and someone steps in, then you've affected them. Paying back isn't sufficient; maybe it should be paid back AND paid forward.
I'm not clever enough to yet see how to fix it. Certainly to learn from and never repeat the error is number one. I've always felt that people shouldn't be judged by the type work they do (a ditch digger is no less important than the doctor or lawyer, etc.) or the money they make. Guess I'm wrong; people are ranked and evaluated based on all manner of things, including money. Especially if you need it from someone else.
Wonder what karma will do with this.
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